Blurred.

How do friends break up? How do you know if everything between the two of you is already over? Will there ever be a closure, or just the mutual understanding that the special connection you once had has already faded? And, finally, how hard is it to move on from years of friendship, sharing, openness, understanding, and trust?

Trust. They said trusting means knowing that the person can hurt you, yet believing that he/she won’t. 

Yes, I gave my complete trust, and, now, my heart’s shattered into pieces.

How should one feel when, all of a sudden, everything changed with no apparent reason? Confused? Frustrated? Hurt? Somehow, I felt all three, and probably more. 

I felt helpless for wanting to fix something which requires more than a one-man effort. 

I felt sad for the lost years. 

I felt hurt realizing that I’m no longer “special” enough to deserve the attention and answers I once had the privilege to receive. 

And, more than anything, I felt so low that I even have to ask myself, “What’s wrong with me?” 

Right now, I’m so full of emotions that I can no longer understand what I really feel.

Forgive and forget.

Even PNoy mentioned this in his 3rd SONA yesterday. He said that this phrase cannot answer to all the things done by the wrongdoers. Yes, we can forgive, but not forget.

Then, I wondered, does that even make sense? Can we call it forgiveness when we're still holding on to the memory of the pain inflicted to us? Can we fully move on with that thought still lingering on the back of our minds? I think not. I believe forgetting comes with forgiveness. I guess that's why it's  simply "Forgive and forget", not "Forgive and then forget if you want."

I've learned from a friend that a grudge is like a double-edged sword. Though it may hurt those that did us wrong, it may also hurt us. Sometimes, when we're too consumed by that hatred, we don't notice that the blade has wounded us so deep that, when we realize it, it's already too difficult to heal. Difficult, but possible.

Another hard thing to do is forgiving ourselves. To forgive yourself for all your mistakes, all the bad decisions, all the broken promises, all the failed attempts, all the times you let fear or anger control you, all the people you neglected, and all the times that you were simply in the wrong place and time. Try to forgive yourself, and think that they are already in the past. Do not let the past haunt you, and keep you from making your future shine as bright as it should be. Forgive yourself, then learn from all of it.

"We are not the person other people wish we were. We are who we decide to be. It's always easy to blame others. You can spend your entire life blaming the world, but your successes or failures are entirely your own responsibility."
From the book, "Aleph" by Paulo Coelho

My friend also said that we should let go of the hatred for us to happily move on. That's probably the hardest part - to let go. Sometimes, we think that letting go of the memory makes us the losers. That we are letting them win by forgetting what they did to us. That's why we hold on. We don't want to let go unless we can call it quits.

But we could also think of it this way: by letting go, we let ourselves live without a heavy heart. Do it for yourself. As they say, there is no sweeter revenge than your enemies seeing how happy you are despite their efforts of putting you down. But, to be completely happy, you have to let go of the burden in your heart. Forgive, and then forget.

I know...

...I will always be second best to you. Second option. Second, or maybe even third or fourth or last.
...there's nothing I can do about it. This line from a song, "I did my best but I guess my best wasn't good enough," has never been truer to me.
...only time can tell if I'll ever be worthy for your time and attention.

And, most of all,
...that I am already so tired of proving myself worthy. It's time to stop. Time to let go. Time to do things only because I want to. Time to give importance to those who gives me importance. Time to choose happiness. Time to live for myself and for those who matter. It's time.

Better late than never (A Father's Day Post)

Fathers are expected to earn for the family and to discipline the kids when they do seriously bad stuff (when it's worse than what mothers could handle). But, to us, you are more than that. You and Mama are our teachers. You teach us the lessons that we will never learn in school. Because of you, we are now ready to face life. From the bottom of our hearts, thank you for all the things you've taught us.

1. The importance of education. You never missed an opportunity to tell us how important studying hard is. Thank you for pushing us further and for supporting us whenever we wanted to take up something -- whether it's just a simple crash course or a graduate degree. Your line, "Ang mapapamana lang namin ng Mama niyo sa inyo na hinding-hindi makukuha ng ibang tao sa inyo ay ang pag-aaral." will forever be in my heart.

2. Laughter is the best medicine. All the people who know you would agree that you're a very funny person. You could make everyone in any occasion laugh heartily with your jokes. I know that even when things aren't going well, you always try to show us that you're okay. Thank you for being the strongest person I know.

3. The importance of rewards. Since we were kids, you always know how to boost our confidence and help us to do our best through your rewards. Regardless how big or small our achievement was, you never fail to acknowledge it. When I was diagnosed with ulcer in Grade 2, you made this chart which will track who ate their baon and not, and give rewards to those who do. I know you did this to push me to always eat mine (I must say, it was really effective). However, I don't remember getting any reward for this, well except, of course, my condition getting better.

4. Simple living. You taught us the difference between needs and wants, and how it is important that we should spend most of our money only on our needs. You remained simple despite the achievements you have done. You taught us that regardless how much we're earning, we should not waste it on temporary highs. I also remember how, whenever we ask you to buy something, we had to prove that it is a need and not just one of our silly wants. This is a lesson I will forever carry in me. Thank you because now, whenever I buy something, I always do a mental list of all the reasons why I need to buy it.

5. The importance of working hard. You have sacrificed a lot since you were a child. I remember your story on how you had to sell different stuff - from newspapers to ice drops, just to help your family and to sustain your schooling. Thank you for all those sacrifices you made. I know how blessed we are for not experiencing what you did. But, most of all, we are truly blessed to have you as a father.

Kuya, Ate, Papa and me :)

And, the list goes on. A lot of people contributed to who we are today. But, the biggest contribution will always come from you and mama. Thank you and happy father's day! We love you! :)

When people forget

"Oh, you turned your back on tomorrow
'Cause you forgot yesterday
I gave you my love to borrow
But you just gave it away.
You can't expect me to be fine,
I don't expect you to care.
I know I've said it before,
But all of our bridges burned down."
-Payphone, Maroon 5 ft. Wiz Khalifa

In this case, there are only two kinds of people: those who forget and those who are forgotten. If I were to choose which of the two I'd rather be, it would really give me a hard time deciding. But, right now, it feels like I was not even given the chance to choose. 

It is sad. It is disappointing. It makes your heart feel heavy. It is confusing. You want to hide. You want to forget, too. You want to run away from them. It makes you think of bitter things. It is unfair. It doesn't even make sense. And, most of all, it hurts.

I know everyone has already forgotten a lot of people. But just random people. Not those we truly care about. They say that this is just one of life's ways of making an opportunity for other people to be in your life. If that is so, oh how I wish life could find another (easier and less hurtful) way of introducing others.

Late-night thoughts

Sometimes, I wish we could control where our minds wander. Or, when it should go blank. If we could only do that, then I'm probably asleep by now.

I hate the fact that it's so hard to sleep because my mind can't even take a break. It's so busy wondering why things are happening as they are, and why people act the way they do - why do they judge you? It keeps on wondering how you're doing and why you can't even find the time to reply to my message, but can like other people's posts (sometimes, Facebook's real-time feature is a disadvantage). It keeps on wondering what the future holds for me - will I graduate on time? Will I be able to get the job I desire? 

Very random things. Things that I even have no control over. How I wish I could stop my mind from thinking those stuff because they just make my head (and heart) ache. Enough, please. :-|

Happy mother's day!

More than the default thank you's, I would also like to thank you for being more than just a mother to us. You're also:

1. A great shopping buddy -- no one knows our size more than you do (even us!).
2. An effective spokesperson -- whenever we want to ask Papa to buy us something.
3. A frightening alarm clock -- your reverse psychology line, "Sige matulog ka nalang, wag ka na pumasok!" always wakes me up and makes me take a bath immediately.
4. A patient teacher -- for doing our assignments and projects when we were too sleepy to finish them.
5. A fun kwentuhan buddy -- though sometimes, when you're really sleepy, you can't help but fall asleep even when I'm still talking. Hahaha.

Hope you enjoyed our celebration today! I'm sure you like my gift because you chose that. :)