I know...

...I will always be second best to you. Second option. Second, or maybe even third or fourth or last.
...there's nothing I can do about it. This line from a song, "I did my best but I guess my best wasn't good enough," has never been truer to me.
...only time can tell if I'll ever be worthy for your time and attention.

And, most of all,
...that I am already so tired of proving myself worthy. It's time to stop. Time to let go. Time to do things only because I want to. Time to give importance to those who gives me importance. Time to choose happiness. Time to live for myself and for those who matter. It's time.

When people forget

"Oh, you turned your back on tomorrow
'Cause you forgot yesterday
I gave you my love to borrow
But you just gave it away.
You can't expect me to be fine,
I don't expect you to care.
I know I've said it before,
But all of our bridges burned down."
-Payphone, Maroon 5 ft. Wiz Khalifa

In this case, there are only two kinds of people: those who forget and those who are forgotten. If I were to choose which of the two I'd rather be, it would really give me a hard time deciding. But, right now, it feels like I was not even given the chance to choose. 

It is sad. It is disappointing. It makes your heart feel heavy. It is confusing. You want to hide. You want to forget, too. You want to run away from them. It makes you think of bitter things. It is unfair. It doesn't even make sense. And, most of all, it hurts.

I know everyone has already forgotten a lot of people. But just random people. Not those we truly care about. They say that this is just one of life's ways of making an opportunity for other people to be in your life. If that is so, oh how I wish life could find another (easier and less hurtful) way of introducing others.

Late-night thoughts

Sometimes, I wish we could control where our minds wander. Or, when it should go blank. If we could only do that, then I'm probably asleep by now.

I hate the fact that it's so hard to sleep because my mind can't even take a break. It's so busy wondering why things are happening as they are, and why people act the way they do - why do they judge you? It keeps on wondering how you're doing and why you can't even find the time to reply to my message, but can like other people's posts (sometimes, Facebook's real-time feature is a disadvantage). It keeps on wondering what the future holds for me - will I graduate on time? Will I be able to get the job I desire? 

Very random things. Things that I even have no control over. How I wish I could stop my mind from thinking those stuff because they just make my head (and heart) ache. Enough, please. :-|

Terribly missing my dearest friend.

Okay, I know I told you that I won't be so dramatic, so I'll make this short.


Even if we don't see each other very often when you were still here, I'd still miss you so much now that you're somewhere far. I guess, besides missing YOU, I'll miss the idea that you're just here - somewhere here. You're no longer "just a text away" from me. I'll miss our spontaneous meet-ups, and even the planned ones. I'll miss your text messages because I know it'll be too costly now. I'll miss our conversations which always make me feel lighter. I'll miss everything we did together.

Do you still remember this strip? Haha. I know that even when we're miles apart, we still (and will always) have a friend in each other. I know we'll find ways to keep the communication. Good luck on this journey, my dearest friend! Make the most out of this great opportunity and adventure! I'm really happy for you because, as you have said, that is your dream. Go and live it. See you in 6 months or so. :)

Failing connections

Staring at my cellphone, I'm hoping you'd find time to wish me a great morning. I miss those mornings that I would wake up to your messages and feel glad that you thought of me before your busy day starts.

Have you ever missed someone so much that it already hurts? So much, that you can't help but think that they don't miss you at all. So much, that sometimes you feel that you're now just another person in their busy life - nothing special. So much, that all you can do is quietly hope that they'll remember you again because you know, deep down, that you can't, and won't, bring this issue up to them.

It is so hard whenever you recall those days when you were still spending time with each other - watching movies together, kwentuhan over coffee, random activities that you have no idea why you enjoy doing (probably because you're with them) - and then realize that those days are now just distant memories. You wonder how they are doing right now. You want to contact them but you're stopped by the idea that maybe, just maybe, they're actually really busy. You don't want to be a disturbance, after all. Then days, sometimes weeks, will pass without any communication with them...and then, one day, you'll helplessly realize that whatever's between you is just another failed connection.

Because I'm clingy and such.

Sasabihin mo na naman, "Para namang ang tagal kong mawawala."

Half a year is long for someone who spent so much time and did a lot of stuff with you, especially recently. I'll definitely miss our kwentuhan - whether kalandian lang or on serious matters. The things we did and talked about during the long waiting time of our experiments.  Our shopping escapades. Yung mga kasamaan at kalokohan natin. Yung pamimilit namin sa'yo na i-invite kami sa Bataan, lalo na nung nabanggit mo yung zipline sa inyo. Haha. The many merienda we had whenever our experiments permitted, and the random dinners (tapos sisisihin mo kami kung bakit 'di ka pumapayat). I'll surely miss mocking your adsorption experiment's pH stabilization which takes a very, very, very long time to stop changing (well, not knowing that you'll make me finish it. T_T). And, of course, all your funny stories and jokes that seemed endless. 

On your new adventure, I could wish nothing but the very best for you. You deserve every opportunity that life has given and will soon give you. I know you would do great - you always do. Kahit na lagi ka naming niloloko na sabay tayo ga-graduate, naniniwala pa din ako na mauuna ka sa'min matapos (pwera usog. Hahaha.).

Good luck on this journey and may God bless you always! Enjoy every bit of this great adventure! Keep in touch and see you in 6 months! :)

PS: Sabi mo sa'kin okay lang nung sinabi kong mag-b-blog ako tungkol sa pag-alis mo. 'Wag ka mag-violent reaction. Hahahaha. :)

A Candle in the Dark

Thank you for being my source of light when everything else is dark and blurry. Thank you for lighting my way when I don't know where to go. Thank you for giving me courage when I'm so scared of what I couldn't see. Thank you for being there when no one else is. And, after all you've given me, I'm really sorry for being so selfish.

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As a side note, I took this photo last night when the electricity was cut due to the typhoon. I was so bored that I took my camera and started taking pictures in the dark. I didn't use the camera flash because I was scared that I may photograph something scary. Haha.

Can we just stop and talk awhile?

Sometimes, life can be just too fast for us. Too fast that we can't even find time to have a decent conversation. Too fast that we can't even get past the usual greetings and well-wishes. Too fast that we don't seem to find any topic interesting enough to talk about. It saddens me that we think we know what's happening in each other's life, but we actually don't. I just hope life slows down a bit for us. That way, we could catch up - with life, and with each other.

Maybe you don't even know how I'm feeling right now.

And, I don't probably have the slightest idea of how you're feeling.