Blurred.

How do friends break up? How do you know if everything between the two of you is already over? Will there ever be a closure, or just the mutual understanding that the special connection you once had has already faded? And, finally, how hard is it to move on from years of friendship, sharing, openness, understanding, and trust?

Trust. They said trusting means knowing that the person can hurt you, yet believing that he/she won’t. 

Yes, I gave my complete trust, and, now, my heart’s shattered into pieces.

How should one feel when, all of a sudden, everything changed with no apparent reason? Confused? Frustrated? Hurt? Somehow, I felt all three, and probably more. 

I felt helpless for wanting to fix something which requires more than a one-man effort. 

I felt sad for the lost years. 

I felt hurt realizing that I’m no longer “special” enough to deserve the attention and answers I once had the privilege to receive. 

And, more than anything, I felt so low that I even have to ask myself, “What’s wrong with me?” 

Right now, I’m so full of emotions that I can no longer understand what I really feel.

Forgive and forget.

Even PNoy mentioned this in his 3rd SONA yesterday. He said that this phrase cannot answer to all the things done by the wrongdoers. Yes, we can forgive, but not forget.

Then, I wondered, does that even make sense? Can we call it forgiveness when we're still holding on to the memory of the pain inflicted to us? Can we fully move on with that thought still lingering on the back of our minds? I think not. I believe forgetting comes with forgiveness. I guess that's why it's  simply "Forgive and forget", not "Forgive and then forget if you want."

I've learned from a friend that a grudge is like a double-edged sword. Though it may hurt those that did us wrong, it may also hurt us. Sometimes, when we're too consumed by that hatred, we don't notice that the blade has wounded us so deep that, when we realize it, it's already too difficult to heal. Difficult, but possible.

Another hard thing to do is forgiving ourselves. To forgive yourself for all your mistakes, all the bad decisions, all the broken promises, all the failed attempts, all the times you let fear or anger control you, all the people you neglected, and all the times that you were simply in the wrong place and time. Try to forgive yourself, and think that they are already in the past. Do not let the past haunt you, and keep you from making your future shine as bright as it should be. Forgive yourself, then learn from all of it.

"We are not the person other people wish we were. We are who we decide to be. It's always easy to blame others. You can spend your entire life blaming the world, but your successes or failures are entirely your own responsibility."
From the book, "Aleph" by Paulo Coelho

My friend also said that we should let go of the hatred for us to happily move on. That's probably the hardest part - to let go. Sometimes, we think that letting go of the memory makes us the losers. That we are letting them win by forgetting what they did to us. That's why we hold on. We don't want to let go unless we can call it quits.

But we could also think of it this way: by letting go, we let ourselves live without a heavy heart. Do it for yourself. As they say, there is no sweeter revenge than your enemies seeing how happy you are despite their efforts of putting you down. But, to be completely happy, you have to let go of the burden in your heart. Forgive, and then forget.

I know...

...I will always be second best to you. Second option. Second, or maybe even third or fourth or last.
...there's nothing I can do about it. This line from a song, "I did my best but I guess my best wasn't good enough," has never been truer to me.
...only time can tell if I'll ever be worthy for your time and attention.

And, most of all,
...that I am already so tired of proving myself worthy. It's time to stop. Time to let go. Time to do things only because I want to. Time to give importance to those who gives me importance. Time to choose happiness. Time to live for myself and for those who matter. It's time.

Better late than never (A Father's Day Post)

Fathers are expected to earn for the family and to discipline the kids when they do seriously bad stuff (when it's worse than what mothers could handle). But, to us, you are more than that. You and Mama are our teachers. You teach us the lessons that we will never learn in school. Because of you, we are now ready to face life. From the bottom of our hearts, thank you for all the things you've taught us.

1. The importance of education. You never missed an opportunity to tell us how important studying hard is. Thank you for pushing us further and for supporting us whenever we wanted to take up something -- whether it's just a simple crash course or a graduate degree. Your line, "Ang mapapamana lang namin ng Mama niyo sa inyo na hinding-hindi makukuha ng ibang tao sa inyo ay ang pag-aaral." will forever be in my heart.

2. Laughter is the best medicine. All the people who know you would agree that you're a very funny person. You could make everyone in any occasion laugh heartily with your jokes. I know that even when things aren't going well, you always try to show us that you're okay. Thank you for being the strongest person I know.

3. The importance of rewards. Since we were kids, you always know how to boost our confidence and help us to do our best through your rewards. Regardless how big or small our achievement was, you never fail to acknowledge it. When I was diagnosed with ulcer in Grade 2, you made this chart which will track who ate their baon and not, and give rewards to those who do. I know you did this to push me to always eat mine (I must say, it was really effective). However, I don't remember getting any reward for this, well except, of course, my condition getting better.

4. Simple living. You taught us the difference between needs and wants, and how it is important that we should spend most of our money only on our needs. You remained simple despite the achievements you have done. You taught us that regardless how much we're earning, we should not waste it on temporary highs. I also remember how, whenever we ask you to buy something, we had to prove that it is a need and not just one of our silly wants. This is a lesson I will forever carry in me. Thank you because now, whenever I buy something, I always do a mental list of all the reasons why I need to buy it.

5. The importance of working hard. You have sacrificed a lot since you were a child. I remember your story on how you had to sell different stuff - from newspapers to ice drops, just to help your family and to sustain your schooling. Thank you for all those sacrifices you made. I know how blessed we are for not experiencing what you did. But, most of all, we are truly blessed to have you as a father.

Kuya, Ate, Papa and me :)

And, the list goes on. A lot of people contributed to who we are today. But, the biggest contribution will always come from you and mama. Thank you and happy father's day! We love you! :)

When people forget

"Oh, you turned your back on tomorrow
'Cause you forgot yesterday
I gave you my love to borrow
But you just gave it away.
You can't expect me to be fine,
I don't expect you to care.
I know I've said it before,
But all of our bridges burned down."
-Payphone, Maroon 5 ft. Wiz Khalifa

In this case, there are only two kinds of people: those who forget and those who are forgotten. If I were to choose which of the two I'd rather be, it would really give me a hard time deciding. But, right now, it feels like I was not even given the chance to choose. 

It is sad. It is disappointing. It makes your heart feel heavy. It is confusing. You want to hide. You want to forget, too. You want to run away from them. It makes you think of bitter things. It is unfair. It doesn't even make sense. And, most of all, it hurts.

I know everyone has already forgotten a lot of people. But just random people. Not those we truly care about. They say that this is just one of life's ways of making an opportunity for other people to be in your life. If that is so, oh how I wish life could find another (easier and less hurtful) way of introducing others.

Late-night thoughts

Sometimes, I wish we could control where our minds wander. Or, when it should go blank. If we could only do that, then I'm probably asleep by now.

I hate the fact that it's so hard to sleep because my mind can't even take a break. It's so busy wondering why things are happening as they are, and why people act the way they do - why do they judge you? It keeps on wondering how you're doing and why you can't even find the time to reply to my message, but can like other people's posts (sometimes, Facebook's real-time feature is a disadvantage). It keeps on wondering what the future holds for me - will I graduate on time? Will I be able to get the job I desire? 

Very random things. Things that I even have no control over. How I wish I could stop my mind from thinking those stuff because they just make my head (and heart) ache. Enough, please. :-|

Happy mother's day!

More than the default thank you's, I would also like to thank you for being more than just a mother to us. You're also:

1. A great shopping buddy -- no one knows our size more than you do (even us!).
2. An effective spokesperson -- whenever we want to ask Papa to buy us something.
3. A frightening alarm clock -- your reverse psychology line, "Sige matulog ka nalang, wag ka na pumasok!" always wakes me up and makes me take a bath immediately.
4. A patient teacher -- for doing our assignments and projects when we were too sleepy to finish them.
5. A fun kwentuhan buddy -- though sometimes, when you're really sleepy, you can't help but fall asleep even when I'm still talking. Hahaha.

Hope you enjoyed our celebration today! I'm sure you like my gift because you chose that. :)

Rays of light.

Have you ever wanted something so much, but, the more you try to get it, the more it seems to elude you? It's frustrating, yet really humbling. At the end of the day, you'll just realize that maybe it really isn't meant for you. Maybe you're up for something better or greater. Yes, in a way, that sounded like I'm just comforting myself for the things that I can't get. But, that is my point. We can't always get what we want, or maybe we can't just get it on the exact time that we want it. 

I often use the Facebook application, God wants you to know. Sometimes, it's a good source of a cliche yet timely, inspiring and wise advice. Recently, what I got there said, "Chasing the things you want can make them move further away from you. Relax, and let events unfold in their own time instead." And, that's it. I realized that, for now, I should slow down, be less aggressive. Then, I felt happier and lighter. 

Now, let me take this opportunity to thank the people who had been with me during the times when I was so down because of the things that I should not even be worrying about:

1. Thank you for the videoke night out. It was great to let everything out through a song. Hahaha.
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2. Thank you and you for being my shopping buddies. I just discovered that this is actually an effective (though really costly) de-stresser.
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3. Thank you for sparing a few hours from your really busy schedule to have dinner with me and to just talk the night away. Wednesday night was real fun! Yes, including our encounter with "kuya" when we were desperately finding that spot where we could make a U-turn.
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4. Thank you for Skype-ing with me and just let me rant about what's happening here, even when you're busy in the lab. It was just like our old laboratory moments when I would just watch and talk while you're going about your experiments. Oh, how I miss that. Even if you didn't realize that I was ranting, I still thank you because you have no idea how much weight was gone from me when I got all that out.
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5. Thank you for being so patient whenever I call you for no reason, and you're still asleep. But, hey, who would know that you're still sleeping by 10am? Hahaha, just kidding. But, thank you, really, for taking the time to answer and listen even if you're just half-awake.
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6. Thank you for randomly asking how I am. I was surprised because you rarely do that, and I'm so touched. Thank you, too, for letting me tell you everything despite you being at work. I know reading my messages while talking with your students was a challenge. Lastly, thank you for randomly inviting me for lunch. I really appreciated that.
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7. Thank you for the fun catch-up and merienda. Also, I'm sorry for asking you to help me carry the drawers and coat hanger I purchased. I hope your arms did not ache as much as mine did.
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8. Thank you for agreeing to meet up with me. As always, I enjoyed your company and our risk-taking search for great food. Besides eating and chatting, it was also really fun to shop for your "paraphernalia". Hahaha. Have a great TBA!

A really big thank you! It is wonderful to know that there are people who will always be there for you especially when the going gets tough. People who will make time when you need them. People who will not wait for you to tell them what's happening, but rather ask you as soon as they notice that something's wrong. Yes, life can be a real bitch at times. But having these people makes everything seem bearable.

Hello, distractions!

Because I'm so not in the mood to finish my thesis proposal, I bought a new book! 

"Aleph invites us to consider the meaning of our own personal journeys: Are we where we want to be, doing what we want to do?" Those were the lines that made me want to read the book. Hopefully, I'd get something inspiring out of this book since that's what I really need right now.

On another distraction, I learned about the super moon a while ago, so I grabbed my cam and went outside. 

Sadly, my shot didn't feel so super, and I think the super moon occurred last night. Well, I have a mental picture of the beautiful, orange-y moon, anyway. That's good enough for me. 

Untitled.

When you're faced with something big, it feels like it is the only thing in front of you. It feels as if your whole life is solely composed of that moment. But, it isn't. There are so much more beyond that metaphorical wall that is blocking your path. How to break through that or, at least, see way past that barricade is the real challenge. When you look back into that moment after several years, it would just be a really small portion of your life. So small that it would be hard to imagine that, once, it had been almost everything you ever worried about.

But hey, things are always easier said than done. Now, how would I get past this wall? I really have no idea.

Terribly missing my dearest friend.

Okay, I know I told you that I won't be so dramatic, so I'll make this short.


Even if we don't see each other very often when you were still here, I'd still miss you so much now that you're somewhere far. I guess, besides missing YOU, I'll miss the idea that you're just here - somewhere here. You're no longer "just a text away" from me. I'll miss our spontaneous meet-ups, and even the planned ones. I'll miss your text messages because I know it'll be too costly now. I'll miss our conversations which always make me feel lighter. I'll miss everything we did together.

Do you still remember this strip? Haha. I know that even when we're miles apart, we still (and will always) have a friend in each other. I know we'll find ways to keep the communication. Good luck on this journey, my dearest friend! Make the most out of this great opportunity and adventure! I'm really happy for you because, as you have said, that is your dream. Go and live it. See you in 6 months or so. :)

Failing connections

Staring at my cellphone, I'm hoping you'd find time to wish me a great morning. I miss those mornings that I would wake up to your messages and feel glad that you thought of me before your busy day starts.

Have you ever missed someone so much that it already hurts? So much, that you can't help but think that they don't miss you at all. So much, that sometimes you feel that you're now just another person in their busy life - nothing special. So much, that all you can do is quietly hope that they'll remember you again because you know, deep down, that you can't, and won't, bring this issue up to them.

It is so hard whenever you recall those days when you were still spending time with each other - watching movies together, kwentuhan over coffee, random activities that you have no idea why you enjoy doing (probably because you're with them) - and then realize that those days are now just distant memories. You wonder how they are doing right now. You want to contact them but you're stopped by the idea that maybe, just maybe, they're actually really busy. You don't want to be a disturbance, after all. Then days, sometimes weeks, will pass without any communication with them...and then, one day, you'll helplessly realize that whatever's between you is just another failed connection.

Because I'm clingy and such.

Sasabihin mo na naman, "Para namang ang tagal kong mawawala."

Half a year is long for someone who spent so much time and did a lot of stuff with you, especially recently. I'll definitely miss our kwentuhan - whether kalandian lang or on serious matters. The things we did and talked about during the long waiting time of our experiments.  Our shopping escapades. Yung mga kasamaan at kalokohan natin. Yung pamimilit namin sa'yo na i-invite kami sa Bataan, lalo na nung nabanggit mo yung zipline sa inyo. Haha. The many merienda we had whenever our experiments permitted, and the random dinners (tapos sisisihin mo kami kung bakit 'di ka pumapayat). I'll surely miss mocking your adsorption experiment's pH stabilization which takes a very, very, very long time to stop changing (well, not knowing that you'll make me finish it. T_T). And, of course, all your funny stories and jokes that seemed endless. 

On your new adventure, I could wish nothing but the very best for you. You deserve every opportunity that life has given and will soon give you. I know you would do great - you always do. Kahit na lagi ka naming niloloko na sabay tayo ga-graduate, naniniwala pa din ako na mauuna ka sa'min matapos (pwera usog. Hahaha.).

Good luck on this journey and may God bless you always! Enjoy every bit of this great adventure! Keep in touch and see you in 6 months! :)

PS: Sabi mo sa'kin okay lang nung sinabi kong mag-b-blog ako tungkol sa pag-alis mo. 'Wag ka mag-violent reaction. Hahahaha. :)

My 2011 Adventure

Last year didn't start so well for me, especially since my 2010 ended great. But, eventually, luck caught up and things began to change for the better.

2011 let me experience the ups and downs of life. I experienced being nothing and being something. I gained new people in my life and, sadly, lost some, too. There were times I felt like I had no one, but, most of the time, I know that I'm surrounded by the people who makes the world seem better. I've been my worst and best self this year. Yes, 2011 was indeed one crazy adventure. And, I really thank God that everything happened EXACTLY the way they did. 

My 2011 in pictures:

JANUARY

▫ New Year at Baguio City ▫ Took interest in taking photos of flowers ▫ Read The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho ▫ 

FEBRUARY

▫ PIChE National Convention in Bacolod ▫ Myth of the Human Body Exhibition (twice!) ▫ Fiesta in Sta. Rita, Pampanga ▫ Found my new favorite subject -- Ely! :) ▫ Took more random photos ▫

MARCH

▫ Watched Sugarfree's Farewell Concert with John at Eastwood ▫ Watched the Philippine International Pyro Musical Competition at the Mall of Asia ▫ Lolo passed away :( ▫ Dada and Apo's golden wedding anniversary celebration ▫ Kuya graduated from UST Law ▫

APRIL

▫ 9th anniversary celebration with Leys, Mhi, Mjhae and John at Tagaytay (Photos grabbed from Leys) ▫ Kuya's birthday and graduation celebration ▫ Tina's birthday celebration ▫

MAY

▫ Finished AIM's three-week Business Management Program ▫ Learned a lot ▫ Made new friends :) ▫

▫ Rockband first-timers at Bluskies, Katipunan ▫ I was able to set up a little studio inside my room (which lasted for just one night) ▫ Enchanted Kingdom with family (my first EKstreme experience!) ▫ Got the ERDT Scholarship! :D ▫ Watched Maroon 5 concert with Issa at SMX Convention ▫

JUNE

▫ Enchanted Kingdom with ChE '05 friends (made my first "music video" :P) ▫ Started my MS EnE degree (back-to-school!) ▫ Enchanted Kingdom with family and Caps ▫ Bought my first not-so-cheap gift to myself -- a 50mm f/1.8 Nikkor Lens :) ▫

JULY

▫ Party-party at O-Week's Culminating Party held at Area 05 Superclub (Photo grabbed from Geronimo Photographico's FB Album: http://on.fb.me/zKh3KX) ▫

▫ Random bonding with Junelle and Ip at Robinson's Galleria (Junelle, I will forever see fish eggs in that photo because of you. Haha.) ▫ Bought new PC -- this marked the start of the haggard days of my MS EnE program ▫ Caps' birthday surprise -- will never forget this! :D (Bitter critter photo grabbed from Quiddity Online's FB Album: http://on.fb.me/wjgERe) ▫

AUGUST

▫ ChE Reps 0910 get-together dinner with Pampy at Trinoma (Thanks Rachell for the coffee treat! Let's do this again soon! :D) ▫ Went to Bohol with the whole family during the long weekend -- BEST. TRIP. EVER. :) ▫

SEPTEMBER

▫ My birthday! Therefore, new hair! :) ▫ First field trip of my MS program (EnE 201) at Morong, Rizal Landfill  -- Thanks Papa for the help! ▫ Attended my first ERDT Conference at Manila Hotel ▫ Videoke at Music 21 after the conference (I don't want to remember where we went after this. Haha scary experience. XD) ▫ Unexpected bonding with Selda and Tins at Trinoma -- masama kayo dito! Dora, amp! >_< (Photos grabbed from Selda) ▫ 

OCTOBER

▫ Went to Yuchengco Museum with Junelle at Makati ▫ Ate at the hard-to-find, but worth it, Mom & Tina's Bakery Cafe after -- grabe yung wrong way tayo sa one-way street, buti nalang linggo yun. Haha. XD ▫ This day is nothing but happiness. Let's shoot and bond again soon! :) ▫

▫ Unplanned bonding with Leys and Mhi at Trinoma (Mhi, thanks again for the booking assistance. Leys, thanks again for the birthday gift! :D) ▫ Made my first DIY camera accessory -- customized bokeh ▫

▫ My first plane ride without Papa and Mama ▫ Went to Puerto Princesa City, Palawan with Caps. :) ▫

NOVEMBER

▫ Papa and Mama's 27th wedding anniversary celebration at Red Palace Restaurant (where I first tasted the BEST halabos na suahe ever!) ▫ Kuya and Ate Ejay's bar exam this month (Good luck! :D) -- masaya makisali sa pagrerelax sa Manila Hotel. :) ▫ Food trip and bonding with ChE 05 friends (Edgie, thank you for the treat! :9) ▫ Reunion and bonding with relatives in Pampanga during the holiday ▫

DECEMBER

▫ Reunion with my 2-A family at Zel's House in North Olympus, QC ▫ Played Pinoy Genius and Charades ▫ We'll forever remember Scooby Doo and how it must be acted. Hahaha. ▫ A truly fun and memorable night! :) ▫

▫ Pampy's all-day-til-night birthday celebration at the ChE Laboratory, Mister Kabab and Pizza Hut ▫ Chill at the Rance Residence in Bataan -- thanks for the warm and generous accommodation, Pamps! Namimiss ko na yung luto ni Mama Perlit. :) ▫ Pawikan Conservation Center - bawal mag-swimming dahil sa malalakas na alon, kaya picture nalang. Haha. ▫ Christmas celebration with Leys, Mhi and John in Eastwood (Photos grabbed from Leys) ▫ Christmas preparation and celebration at home - made truffles and tiramisu! ▫ Reunion with the Genuino clan ▫

Looking forward to a more awesome, crazy and blessed 2012!

Happy year of the Dragon! <--our year! ^_^